It's still half full!

Nuala makes a very good point - knowing when to leave something alone is a valuable skill and I've often been guilty of missing that :-) A very wise person once told me "don't worry about things you can't change", which makes a lot of sense and allows the glass to stay half full!

Head/Brick/Wall

It's always good to hear Catman in positive tones, gives me a wee boost. I am defintely a glass half full type of person (probably because that's how I like to think of my glass, especially when it comes to Champagne and good red wine). Sometimes I do wonder whether that hasn't made my life recently a whole lot harder here at work. Hands up if you think Fifi needs to kick arse a bit more aggressively?

This is the approach I am trying. Step one is to confront the 'known' issue head on, take a good picture, say it like it is and lay it on the line. Step two is to apologise to anyone affected by it, put your hands up and admit it's your problem and that you are doing your best to improve or change the status quo in any way you can. Step three- and this is the hardest one- ask for help. Admit defeat and lay it on the line that you know, and have the facts to prove, it is not working and actually it probably never will. I gave it a good go, but it's fundementally flawed. However to make any real change, the ball is now in someone else's court and all I can do is maintain and if I am lucky slightly improve the status quo. You canny make a Aston Martin out of a Lada, and considering we like to think of ourselves and our product as high-end, I think we are cheating the people we support by offering them something we know is a big pile of wank.

Since I admitted this to myself, I have noticed people being much more candid in their feedback. They appreciate your efforts, but you get that 'I told you so' nod. Fair enough I guess, but that glass half full got me through the last 15 months believing nothing was impossible. And while nothing is, why should we make life so hard trying to make it so?

So here's the thing. In my own life, I have learned that you never regret going for quality. This covers everything: bags, shoes, cars, houses, food, men, friends. Worthwhile investments. Even though it's all relevant to your present economic situation (cutting your coat according to your cloth or whatever) every time I have gone cheap on myself I have always ended up wishing I hadn't bothered.

The glass really is half full

Normal service has been resumed at catman towers - I'm looking at the glass being half full again!

Funny how the more you think good thoughts, the more good things happen...

Dr Jekyl

Mr Hyde isn't so sure ;-)

How do you do it?

Catman- I have no idea how you do it. To go up in an aeroplane on my own would scare the living daylights out of me. I must be an adrenaline bore (or whatever the oppposite of an adrenaline junkie is) because even driving the car for me is about as much thrill as I need. No, no, far too scary. I admire you though, one of your many facets.

Was it all shit or is it just me?

I am a funny bird, I tell you. I go for weeks and weeks pretty positive, focused, motivated and generally getting on with life. Then I have an introspective moment, the pendulum swings and everything becomes a bit shittier. I had it for a weekend last week when Nu had a brief moment and I thought she was turning into a spoilt little cow on me, and then for the last week or so I have had it at work. It started with me sort of knowing my team were sort of a bit shit and that I was sort of powerless to prove or change anything. Then I did some covert, ahem, monitoring (not nice but entirely justifiable... isn't technology marvellous and all that...) which, my god, made me realise that things in fact were depressinlgy worse than I thought they were.

The more I dug to research my preso, the more opportunitites I uncovered where my team really isn't cutting it. I have always thought of them as nice enough, but a bunch of amateurs. There are a couple of good ones and a whole raft of mediocre ones. I've never liked medicocre and certainly don't like working with people who lack talent, drive and creative eneregy. It kind of brings me down- I don't 'get it'. I also realised it wasn't just my team where this mediocrity was flourishing, but in some teams and people around me and I found it all a bit draining. It kills me to see opportunity being wasted because people simply can't be arsed or can't see it themselves.

Fortuntately, yesterday the Catman (who I am sure I almost drove to potential kami-kaze antics in his plane on Monday with my moaning) helped me out (again) to straighten my head and I sent off something that's been simmering away as a nagging doubt for a while. I think what I have presented is the tip of a bigger iceberg, but it was kind of cathartic to get it out there anyway. So thank you Catman, and thank you SuperGirl who despite still being poorly and only a week post-op after her painful months has been a marvelous mate IM'ing me and making me laugh.

The dark skies are lifting.

On another note... I am 35! Shit I am old. Scary. Had a great Birthday weekend though...

Flying

I love flying...don't I? Well, it's one of those things that has a strange effect with me... I know I like it, I want to do it, but somehow I'm also afraid of it... I have the same feeling about the gym :-)

Is it normal to feel like this? I mean, as soon as I get up there, I love it! But just motivating myself to get to the airfield and book a slot seems to be so hard!

Type theory

Over on another site I'm a member of, there's a whole storm blown up over Type Theory.

Now, one thing about all this Karl Jung related stuff is that many people use it to put people in a "box".

I say "try to put me in a box and I'll put you in yours!" :-)

How would you do it?

One of the things I constantly wrestle with is the balance between autonomy and responsibility. Essentially, I crave autonomy but fear the responsibility in most things I do.

I think though, I must learn to trust my own capabilities more - even today, I recieved the output of a team survey that shows things are much better than I thought... I guess I'm OK at this :-)

So - do I open my own business or do I cower away from the responsibility?

How would you do it?

A funny old week...

I've been meaning to come and blog all week, but here it is so far in a nutshell:

Monday- wanted to write about the joys of a 2.5 year old driving me and her Daddy to distraction but generally being a spolit little brat for throwing tantrums which culminated in me weeping and calling my Mum for help on Sunday night, as David looked on imploringly with his "what about the Yorkshire puddings, Fi?" eyes... Mum, as ever patient, listening and understanding and never-judgemental gave me some good advice (my opening line to her had been "Can you please come over and make Nuala behave?" So Monday was spent getting the things she had suggested- the Supernanny book, a booster chair for Miss Binnion to eat properly at the table, and confiscating Nuala's CDs and her big dog as punishment. Monday evening when I returned home, Nuala had got the message and peace (or sorts) had been restored.

Tuesday- French consulate declines my application for French passport for Nuala (necessary for her to get a priority place at the French school). Born in France but not French unless one of us is, apparently. It's a bit of a grey area, so we have appealed to the school to advise us what to do. Meanwhile, Miss B continues to behave (my God, that confiscation thing worked) and ate properly at the dining table. However, got some bad news that a close friend of David's had lost her 13 month battle with cancer. 13 months ago she was given 2 months to live, but this girl complete with her zest for life and firecracker personality right to the end (think Tarantino's Jackie Brown swaying her hips through the airport on a long-haired rock-chick Japanese girl) managed to eek out an extra 11 months before she made her way up to the great disco in the sky.

Wednesday- one small "I will not brush my teeth" wobbly, 2 minutes on the naughty chair and the threat of Mickey Mouse et al being confiscated, I get my angel back. Could this really be working? At work, it's business as usual. Grovelling apologies and some vitual slaps. I think I need a holiday!

Telle est la vie des hommes. Quelques joies, très vite effacées par d'inoubliables chagrins. Il n'est pas nécessaire de le dire aux enfants.

Small but perfectly formed

It's funny how it's possible to have a series of small victories even in the face of overwelming odds. Having said that, it's what being British is all about, Rorke's drift and all that. Well it's been happening to me recently, which is nice. All I have to do now is win the war! We shall see.